Contrary to Popular Belief

[Children can be so cruel . . .]

Contrary to popular belief children can't really be all that cruel. They lack both the wit and the stock of disappointing life experiences that arm their elders with the required venom. Yesterday, for instance, I heard a seven year old attempt to emotionally wound one of his playmates. "Hey fatty fat boy," he stammered. "You're fat."

Figuring the lad could benefit from a quick tutorial, I addressed him. "Understand this, you insignificant twit," I said, drawing myself up to my full height and extending my right arm at a forty-five degree angle in the style of the great orators. "Even if your mother had actually loved you and showered you with attention from the moment of your birth, you would still lack the natural spark needed to be even remotely successful in this life. Once you reach an age of self awareness, you will panic at the realization that you are ill-equipped to contribute anything to society save a foul and somewhat peculiar stench. Naturally, you will construct numerous strategies to prevent you from ever confronting your own inadequacies. Most of these will succeed only in driving away the only people sufficiently courteous to even act like they care about you, and soon enough you will find it difficult to summon the energy to assault your toothless and unfaithful wife."

While my excoriation had no effect on the stunned little tyke, I immediately commenced kicking him repeatedly just beneath the kneecap, thereby producing the tears I'd desired. "That, my little friend, is how the big boys do cruelty," I shouted over his yelping. "Next time, bring it large, or don't bring it at all."